Brown Family Updates on Their New Land in Washington State?
Information technology's been a while since my final highly-optimized Alaskan Bush People ploy for pageviews. I figured an update on the Browns' offseason escapades is in social club.
Another season* of Alaskan Bush People is currently in product, and yous can await information technology to debut early this summertime. I realize this may come as disappointing news, merely I am here to offer comfort. For as long as Discovery Channel or any other media entity continues to excrete Alaskan Bush-league People into our entertainment supply, I will be hither to mock and deride it with you.
So onward with the mocking and derision.
The Browns Are Moving to Washington! The Hell?
Alaskan Bush People came into beingness considering the Browns purported to live deep in the Alaskan wilderness, frequently going for up to half-dozen months without seeing an outsider. LIES! The state of Alaska knew that the Browns didn't even live in Alaska long enough to qualify as permanent residents, and the state brought charges of Permanent Fund Dividend fraud on Billy and other family unit members. How Alaskan Bush People remained on Discovery'due south lineup after this news remains one of life'southward great mysteries.
The Browns haven't been living in Alaska very much at all. Lately they've been living in Los Angeles and then Mother Ami could be treated for advanced lung cancer at UCLA. At the stop of the near recent Alaskan Bush People season, the Browns were all excited virtually moving to Colorado and building a agglomeration of new stuff. Then what happened to all of that?
Homo, I can't await to hear Billy'south explanation. Was someone shooting at them again?
Billy supposedly purchased land most Loomis, Washington, a bustling town of 159, co-ordinate to the 2010 census. Geographically, it'southward a dainty place for fake Bush living, and it'south isolated enough for the Browns to practise their TV shenanigans out of sight. 1 of the area's most interesting features is Palmer Lake. An anonymous source with intimate knowledge of the shape of lakes confirmed exclusively to Telly Insider that the lake resembles a "droopy penis." Henceforth, we shall refer to Palmer Lake as Lake Flaccid.
Y'all may be wondering how this clusterfarce can still be called Alaskan Bush People. Would Discovery consider renaming the evidence—and if so, what would they call it? There'southward already plenty of make equity built up in the bear witness's name. Changing the title would bewilder the show's cadre audition of people who yet programme their VCR. Discovery might consider a subtitle thing and call it Alaskan Bush People: Washington Wolfpack or Alaskan Bush People: The Un-Alaskan Years or Alaskan Bush People: Even so on TV. (I will lawyer upwards if Discovery uses any of those titles.)
They're Building Even so Another Brownton Abbey. Yawn.
In the first ABP flavour, the Ix Member Chocolate-brown Association built a motel in the forest near Chitina, Alaska. Information technology was the fulfillment of their lifelong dream. Then they abased it. In the 2nd season, the Chocolate-brown Family unit (all 9 of them) began to construct a different cabin, this one almost Hoonah, Alaska. It was the fulfillment of their lifelong dream… so they abandoned information technology. In the series' nigh contempo season, the Members of the Chocolate-brown Family Numbering Nine bought land in Colorado on which they were planning to build several cabins. It was going to be the fulfillment of their lifelong dream. Then they abandoned it.
After that, the Nine Browns Who Are a Family Unit bought land in northern Washington. There's a pattern here, is what I'm getting at. Now, there'southward going to exist construction on a new Brownton Abbey in Washington, and I don't understand why anyone would emotionally invest in watching these dopes pretend to build something they're eventually going to trash and abandon anyway. They've pretty much exhausted that storyline. Unless they're constructing a Bush Death Star, this is going to exist slow as hell.
BigHorn Cabin DC role in town and the crew is edifice set props in the back and hauling it upwards to the property.
Posted by Alaskan Bush-league people Exposed on Wed, March 21, 2018
On the subject of ho-hum as hell, this area of Washington is a pop identify to pan for gilded. You'll recollect that prospectin' is 1 of Billy's favorite wastes of time, and we can expect ABP to waste a lot of screen fourth dimension on his hunt for nuggets. If we wanted to come across this stuff, we'd watch the xxx other gold-mining shows on Discovery Aqueduct.
Noah in Exile
In that location's this sublime subplot going on in the Browniverse, and it's a travesty nosotros'll never get to encounter it on TV. You'll think that Noah didn't announced in the "Home Away for the Holidays" Christmas special in December. We'll let Billy explain why.
She Who Is Not To Be Named is Rhain, Noah'southward fiancée (though there was scuttlebutt that they were married in Colorado in summer of last twelvemonth). Rhain has made a few appearances on ABP, her first being a tour de force of insincerity in "All Falls Downward." Concluding ABP season, Rhain but appeared in recycled footage. Turns out there'southward a bang-up rift between Rhainoah and the rest of the Browns, and it is marvelous entertainment. In an unusual display of skillful judgment, Billy won't allow Rhain appear on the show. Rainy and Birdy do not like her.
Rhain's whole scheme to get on Boob tube by snagging the most drastic Brown boy has complanate, and thank you to the sad voyeuristic wonder that is Facebook, we get to behold her meltdown in all its glory. Rhain is hellbent on seeing this through, and Noah won't give up the commencement woman he's been with that didn't likewise have an air valve. No 1's bankroll down, so Rhainoah is banished to a cabin on Billy's country in Colorado while the rest of the family unit films in Washington.
But wait, it gets worse! Rhainoah'south crowdsourced honeymoon gift registry was "accidentally" leaked on the internet. Noah claims the registry was only intended for friends and family who are being invited to their wedding ceremony, nevertheless they've done zero to rectify it or dissuade their deluded "FAN-ily" (Noah'southward discussion, non mine) from giving them a handout of gas money or dog/ferret boarding expenses. I would send them a gift, but no corporeality of cash can buy them class or dignity. Besides, Noah should exist making skilful coin now that he just started an imaginary job as a diesel fuel maintenance technician.
But look, information technology gets worse! Rhainoah is throwing some kind of meet-and-greet potluck party in a park in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, on March 31. Rhainoah will supply some cookies or something, and guests can bring a dish (no glassware) to share with the two or three other people sad and alone enough to attend this thing. Consumption of booze is prohibited in the park, so make certain you get liquored upward before you lot go far.
Rhainoah volition respond your dumb questions, and you can probably get an awkward photograph taken with them. If the potluck is lame, you tin can always crash the children'due south Easter egg hunt taking place in the same park at the same time.
via GIPHY
Ami Brownish: Medical Miracle?
People Magazine had this whole big thing back in January nigh Mother Ami beating Stage 4 lung cancer, consummate with Billy's skillful medical opinions. It is indeed good news that she responded well to treatment, and I wish her good health and a total victory over this awful affliction. There was a lot of jubilation, and a lot of people losing perspective.
Hither'southward the reality: The survival rate for her disease is three percent afterward v years. Mother Ami is nonetheless very deep in the woods, and she'll need lots of follow-up care and tests to check for cancer recurrence. Withal, Baton drags his ill wife up to northern Washington, far from her physicians in L.A., to film this worn-out TV crapfest. None of this should surprise y'all. Billy only thinks nigh Billy.
No, Gabe Is Not in Love With You
If the saga of Rhainoah didn't pitter-patter you out plenty, let me regale you with the ribald tales of smartphone-philandering Gabe, who has been linked to various ladies from all over the globe. One such lady stalker went to great lengths to convince others that she was Gabe'southward fiancée. According to Profane Reality:
She's gone so far as to purchase herself a band, send herself presents, and send gifts to her children, all allegedly from Gabe. Her proof? A couple of two-year-old photographs from when she went to Hoonah in 2016 to
stalkmeet the Brown family unit.
The jig was upward when Rainy posted this film of her blood brother snogging with some other lass.
https://www.facebook.com/alaskanfrauds/photos/a.914151288667995.1073741829.877850308964760/1632146080201842/
Not only was the secret life of Gabe'southward faux fiancée blown up, but another ladies who were as well being wooed past Bush-league Casanova cried foul and fabricated public screenshots of their interactions.
Gabe is fifty-fifty getting some action in the fantasies of this ABP fan fiction writer, who has given the Browns the Danielle Steel treatment. The stories are en español, just stuff like Gabe losing his virginity is freaky in any language.
The Internet should be burned to the ground and its ashes cached deep inside an oceanic trench.
Meet the New Boss—Worse Than the Former Boss?
Y'all may have heard the news well-nigh Scripps Networks Interactive and Discovery Communications doing i of those massive media merger deals. Basically, it puts Scripps' lifestyle TV networks—HGTV, Travel Channel, Food Network—in the same corporate family as Discovery Channel, TLC, Animal Planet, and Science Channel. I of the biggest bigwig casualties of the merger is Rich Ross (pictured below), grouping president of Discovery Channel and Scientific discipline Channel, who joined the visitor in 2014 and was simply given the heave-ho.
(Photograph: Emma McIntyre/Getty Images for Discovery)
Ross had loftier hopes for bringing prestige back to Discovery. He sounded like he was going to open the windows and clear out the stench of B.S. similar ABP and shows about guys getting swallowed by snakes. He did not. Ross had countless opportunities to jettison ABP from Discovery's lineup, merely he found the lure of inexpensive and piece of cake ratings from the dunderhead demographic also difficult to resist.
I similar to imagine Ross got the boot for not canceling ABP, but my dreams were shattered when TLC President Nancy Daniels got Ross' sometime job and Discovery CEO David Zaslav said he's putting all his fries downwardly on so-chosen unscripted programming. ABP sounds like information technology'due south right in Daniels' wheelhouse.
Goody.
*The exact number of Alaskan Bush-league People seasons is in dispute.
Source: https://www.tvinsider.com/671752/when-is-alaskan-bush-people-coming-back-new-season-8-preview/